What Is Positive Discipline? 5 Ways to Nurture Well-Behaved & Confident Children
Positive discipline is not just a set of rules; it’s a philosophy that seeks to create a nurturing environment for children to learn and grow. An evidence-based approach to parenting that’s rooted in kindness and empathy, this parenting style encourages adults to understand the reasons behind a child’s behavior and respond with patience, curiosity, and compassion.
In positive discipline, we remember that to discipline means to teach, not to punish.
Positive discipline techniques include regulating our own reactions when we perceive negative behaviors in our children, remembering that all behavior is communication. Rather than meeting our children with anger or rage when we perceive that they’re misbehaving, we pause and get curious about what’s beneath the behavioral problems we’re observing.
One of the most profoundly effective positive discipline tools is to use natural consequences rather than punitive ones. Punishment is an example of “negative discipline,” as described later in this article.
Key takeaway: To discipline means to teach, and all behavior is communication.
Additionally, positive discipline teaches us that we must be intentional about reinforcing what’s working well in our families, too. It’s not just about correcting behavior.
An example of positive discipline
Let’s say a young child is exhibiting aggressive or violent behavior towards a new sibling. In positive discipline, rather than punishing the child by sending them to time out, the adult reflects on the fact that it’s legitimately hard for this child to witness all the attention the new baby is getting. The adult knows jealousy is normal, and their energy is better spent helping the child feel safe and secure.
Note, the adult doesn’t simply look away from problem behaviors. They also help the child learn emotional regulation by modeling emotional maturity. They also teach positive behaviors so the child understands what appropriate behavior looks like.
In the moment when the child is acting out, they might offer simple reminders like, “Gentle hands, please.” They also validate the child’s feelings: “I understand you’re jealous the baby is getting so much attention. Your feelings make sense to me.”
Once the child is regulated enough to learn, parent and child might read books together about what to do instead of hitting, or perhaps role play with dolls or other toys. (The book Peaceful Discipline offers parents effective ways to teach children and help them learn new skills, and how to regulate ourselves when we’re triggered.)
An example of positive discipline
Let’s say a young child is exhibiting aggressive or violent behavior towards a new sibling. In positive discipline, rather than punishing the child by sending them to time out, the adult reflects on the fact that it’s legitimately hard for this child to witness all the attention the new baby is getting. The adult knows jealousy is normal, and their energy is better spent helping the child feel safe and secure.
Note, the adult doesn’t simply look away from problem behaviors. They also help the child learn emotional regulation by modeling emotional maturity. They also teach positive behaviors so the child understands what appropriate behavior looks like.
In the moment when the child is acting out, they might offer simple reminders like, “Gentle hands, please.” They also validate the child’s feelings: “I understand you’re jealous the baby is getting so much attention. Your feelings make sense to me.”
Once the child is regulated enough to learn, parent and child might read books together about what to do instead of hitting, or perhaps role play with dolls or other toys. (The book Peaceful Discipline offers parents effective ways to teach children and help them learn new skills, and how to regulate ourselves when we’re triggered.)
Positive discipline keeps child development in mind
It takes children lots of practice within the safety of our presence to learn. This is normal. Positive discipline teaches parents that children’s brains are still growing at incredible rates. Many of the skills they’re learning take many years to master.
Positive discipline keeps age-appropriate behavior in mind, not expecting children to be emotionally mature beyond their years.
KeyTakeaway: What we may be tempted to call “bad behavior” is actually a child who lacked the skills, knowledge, or resources to behave better in that moment. Our job is to teach them. Children learn best when they feel emotionally and physically safe.
Positive discipline is a compassionate and effective method that emphasizes mutual respect, understanding, and guidance. Unlike punitive measures, positive discipline focuses on teaching children valuable life skills while fostering a strong parent-child connection.
Key Principles of Positive Discipline
Here are five criteria that summarize positive discipline.
1. Mutual Respect
Positive discipline focuses on the principle of treating children with respect, acknowledging their feelings and perspectives. By fostering a respectful environment, parents can model healthy communication and teach children to express themselves constructively.
A fallacy often perpetuated in mainstream parenting education is that children should automatically respect their parents. Actually, offering our respect to them first nurtures the mutual respect we want to achieve. We’re modeling what respect should look and feel like. It begins with parent behavior, and invites children to reciprocate over time.
Further, with a mutually respectful approach, we reframe “bad children” as children who need additional support. Young people are doing the best they can with the skills they have, just like we are.
2. Teaching, Not Punishing
Positive discipline emphasizes teaching children appropriate behaviors. Parents act as guides, helping their children understand what to do and encouraging them to make positive choices. At the same time, we remember that young children are largely driven by impulses, which is developmentally normal. (source)
Significant evidence exists about the benefits of positive reinforcement (not as rewards, but as in “catching” our kids doing things right). The more we can use teaching strategies that feel peaceful to the child, such as play and stories, the more likely the child is to repeat the behaviors.
3. Encouraging Problem-Solving
Positive discipline promotes critical thinking and problem-solving skills in children. Instead of telling kids how to handle things, parents engage their children in discussions, allowing them to be active participants in finding resolutions to conflicts.
Problem solving skills are life skills. Children will learn these best by doing them on their own, with our compassionate support.
4. Consistency
Consistency is key to the success of positive discipline. Children can’t wonder whether we’ll meet their behavior with grace or with anger and punishment. That feels too unstable to them. We don’t have to be perfect (no one is), but the more our child learns to trust that we’re generally peaceful, the more they’ll trust us.
5. Connection
Building a strong emotional connection with children is at the heart of positive discipline. By nurturing a warm and supportive relationship, parents create an environment where children feel safe to express themselves and seek guidance. They’ll be more likely to run to us, rather than away from us, when they struggle.
Benefits of Positive Discipline
Positive discipline helps raise confident children. Here’s how.
1. Developing Self-Discipline
Positive discipline focuses on teaching children self-control and responsibility. Instead of relying on external authority, children learn to regulate their behavior through internalized values and principles.
2. Building Confidence and Self-Esteem
By acknowledging children’s achievements and efforts, positive discipline contributes to the development of a positive self-image. Children raised with this approach are more likely to believe in their abilities and take on challenges with confidence.
This may result in improved academic performance, better engagement in school, stronger community with peers, and enhanced social skills. (source)
3. Enhancing Communication Skills
Positive discipline encourages open and honest communication between parents and children. This fosters a supportive environment where children feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings.
What is “negative discipline?”
Although few people use the term “negative discipline,” it encompasses anything punitive. All of these go against the positive discipline approach to parenting:
- Spanking or any form of physical punishment (even what some would call a “light tap” on the hand, bottom, or anywhere on the body)
- Shaming
- Intentionally scaring or mistreating the child
- Making the child responsible for the adult’s feelings
- Punitive time-outs and other forms of love withdrawal
- Removal of the parent’s attention (you can reframe attention-seeking behavior as connection-seeking)
Another form of negative discipline is bribing a child to do what we consider “good behavior.” Although not as damaging as many of the other forms or discipline, bribes can backfire, making the child believe they’re only worthy of love when they perform the perceived good behavior and earn the “reward.”
What are the risks of negative discipline?
Punitive discipline is linked with many negative outcomes. For example, these risks are linked specifically with spanking:
- An increase for socially risky behavior, including greater likelihood of future substance abuse (alcohol and street drugs), as well as greater risk for suicide (source)
- Potential for increased aggressive behavior; child aggression may increase and endure into adulthood (source)
- Negative developmental outcomes, including potential for lower IQ (source)
You can find additional risks in this blog post about bad parenting.
Are positive discipline techniques different from any other positive parenting style?
Whether you call it positive discipline, conscious parenting, positive parenting, peaceful discipline, or anything similar, the core tenets are generally the same.
Certified positive discipline trainers can help you navigate exactly what would best support your relationship with your family.
Does parenting this way take longer?
With positive discipline, parenting often gets easier rather than harder.
Why?
As you learn specific positive discipline tools, you’re likely to experience fewer social and behavioral problems than you did before. Fewer problems to address means more time enjoying a peaceful relationship together.
Is this coddling?
Some people say parenting this way is pampering children, but these people are often think positive discipline is the same as permissive parenting. It is not. Whereas permissive parenting is linked with risks (source), numerous studies of positive discipline repeatedly demonstrated only positive results (source).
Does positive discipline work in the classroom atmosphere?
Absolutely. There are teacher education programs directed at helping educators learn classroom techniques in the classroom setting.
Teachers reported improvement in academic achievement and greater overall ease in the school community when positive discipline strategies are implemented. (source)
Where to learn more
Positive discipline prioritizes empathy, understanding, and connection. By embracing this approach, parents can not only guide their children toward responsible and respectful behavior, but also cultivate a strong and loving relationship that lasts a lifetime. As we navigate the complexities of raising the next generation, positive discipline offers a compass to help us navigate with grace and compassion.
- Get support changing parent behavior from this accredited parent coaching program.
- Submit questions to our Positive Parenting Question Jar here.
- Check our the wealth of information we share in our resource center.
- Seek support from a medical professional, child counselor, or play therapist if you have specific concerns about your child.
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