“Ya know!? None of this is working. I don’t really see a point of us coming here!”. Mother’s voice was a venomous hiss, not one which aimed to injure, but, contrarily, signaled of injury themselves.
“The evening, it was supposed to be for us…” She went on.
What came next was a short narration. A hopeful return to normalcy. The rejuvenation of intimacy. A date night, which, due to parental anxieties, and the observed challenges of one youngster, pivoted at the last moment to an impromptu family affair. Ordinarily, this might not have been such a sharp maneuver. But accommodation of the youngster, married with marital strain, an incompetent employer, and forever walking the financial tight rope, had made her child’s meltdown at a local eatery far more overwhelming than any signal might have let on.
In her blinding frustration every technique I had imbued, and, to which mother until this point had executed masterfully, had vanished. And she, in response, did little to quell the youth’s disturbance, and at the same time suffering herself a humiliation…
Keeping Things Even Keel
Child rearing, in all its fronts-whether an educator or more notably a parent, is by its very nature to embark in waters which, even with the best navigation, still hold an unknown volatility.
When this channel is mired with hazards at unseen depths. Whirlpools of fatigue, piercing reefs of personal setback, or when storms of financial or medical uncertainty loom upon the horizon. Even the best compass and supporting crew can fail us and misdirect.
The recognition that daily challenges, or Stressors: Environmental events that disrupt our holistic balance and emotional coping, erode our mental and physical resources is, unsurprisingly, nothing new. Most of us manage with little consequence. However, what may be unfamiliar is the impact this has on child rearing, when these challenges remain unremitted or stack.
A Course Adrift
While the impact of stress, or the seriousness of a stressor in one’s life can be uniquely effected by the perception of the individual, the following challenges have been consistently expressed by parenting teams and research as main sources aimed to slow our momentum when our personal maintenance is disregarded and left awry.
Lifestyle
Hurried days. Screaming kids. Evenings, fraught with deadlines.
For most of us, this is a reality all too common. However, the absence of a work-life balance, or what psychologists will often call a ‘daily healthy living routine’ is essential for keeping us off the plank and that wavering edge.
Sacrifices of sleep, and diets of convenience alter our metabolism, negatively impact our mood, and begin to impact our skills of Executive Functioning: In other words, all of the wisely planned, socially appropriate, emotionally regulated, and morally grounded actions and reactions in our daily life which ensure that during conflicts-or even minor annoyances, that we work through things rationally, rather than putting someone through a &$%*@#^ wall…
Mental Clarity
How many of us have found ourselves exhausted, irritated, quietly crumbling, with life’s daily strain seemingly leaving us with but a single mooring to our sanities, which even the slightest gale would keenly snap.
Such is to say that we as adults, like children, are human. We have trauma histories, notable experiences, and encounter illness. And, also like our children, we may not be fully prepared to address a personal problem that is going on. Even if the issue is as apparent as a rat gnawing at our side. In fact, two-in-five adults experience longstanding mental health and physical conditions. While up to a third are reluctant to seek any treatment for themselves at all.
Now, there are in fact legitimate reasons as to why adults will de-prioritize attention to their health and mental health. Some of us, for example, do not have the privilege of workplace flexibility, or affordable childcare options. Others keenly recognize that a trip to our own provider may come with a fairly hefty co-pay, funds that can be used to keep young ones fed.
While notably, many of us may dismiss much needed health care out of the realistic anxiety of what we might encounter when we start.
In any case, while we can all empathize with the sacrifice, it is both short lived, and counterproductive. It’s the equivalent of bailing water when taking on round shot as opposed to repairing a damaged hull. Eventually, what we take on will soon outpace us, and even amid stoic efforts we’ll still find ourselves sunk.
Challenging Behavior
Historically, research and self-reports have observed that those providing care with youth experience behavioral disorders are, as a byproduct, subjected to intense forms of psychological stress.
The complexities to this dynamic are many. Caregiver fatigue-increased physical and mental exhaustion from rendering or assisting with a child’s treatment is one notable example. However, this burnout also insidiously encourages problematic changes to both our lifestyle and mental clarity. Worse still, while doing their best to navigate these dilemmas, parents often discover themselves encumbered with confounding feelings of confusion, embarrassment, guilt, and shame.
For parents and educators with limited support, the sudden onset of the defiant child, or the presence of children with chronic challenges, can appear as family engaging in a personal mutiny because the behavior is in our opinion, not what we ever taught, encouraged, nor understood.
But what happens to us, as parents, when these conditions come together as the perfect storm?
When Taking on Water
The following are notable declines in the parental experience when stressors go awry. First, let’s take a look at what is jettisoned (or lost), albeit even momentarily.
Parental Practices
Simply put, as the stress and strain of a parenting team go up, their parental practice-the rules and governance by which they lead their household and rear their children-may often decline and invariably go down. Patience wanes. Household rules and the enforcement thereof become inconsistent. And all too suddenly we find ourselves having explosive emotions at situations we might have deemed trivial just a month before.
Parental Efficacy
Here, we find ourselves holding onto that exhaustion, intermittent anxiety, frustration, and melancholy, and, unfortunately, using that as the spyglass by which we evaluate our own course. Unsurprisingly parenting teams at this point perceive themselves as either making little headway as far as their goals for child rearing, or, may begin to internally default to sense irrational guilt, placing heavy blame or undue criticism on themselves for situations, circumstances, or behavior that is simply outside their control.
This aside, it also occurs that there are some potential behavioral increases which are both within the realm of possibility amid chronic parental stress, and are, by their nature, equally problematic for the family at large. Let’s take another look, this time, at what is being brought on board.
Child Aggression
This is a rare outcome, and one that is suggested to result if and when a parent or caregiver withdrawals from the family as a means to cope. This form of withdrawal is not at all equivalent to what social service providers would denote as ‘neglect’. Rather, something simply changes in the engagement and attachment between parent and child. The go-to parent isolates–they may not even be aware of it, but are driven by exhaustion.
Alternatively, when present, there may be the absence of parental warmth-the positive, protective, and playful qualities our children have come to know. The change in these interactions putting both parent and child at odds. These odds, especially when reinstating structure, has been observed to result in an aggressive response by some children.
Child Behavior
As changes to parental stress, and behavior continue to climb, changes to our children’s mood and daily behaviors are not uncommon. Acting out behaviors in and out of community settings, changes in sleep patterns, sudden bursts of anxiety or defiance, and declining academics are but a few of the raised flags when family strain is beginning to surmount.
Worse still, the contributing ‘causes’ may not be entirely overt (E.g. Divorce, Job Loss, A Major Medical Diagnosis). More covert or gradual changes to the family dynamic, for example a ‘soft’ cancellation of family game night as Mom takes on a larger workload, or overheard arguments from behind closed doors, each hold the potential to dysregulate our children due to the spillover of our strain.
Now, all of this sounds a bit dramatic at worst, and should be cautionary at best, but the key question is what exactly we can do to right ourselves, stabilize the hull, and get back on course?
Refilling the Sails
Admittedly, while the steps necessary for parental recovery are not universal-we all have varying resources and needs-there are many protective steps we can take for ourselves which do not require major intervention.
However, there is a realistic challenge to incorporating something new. Even if that novel change is beneficial to us, and especially if it has never been a part of our routine. For those parenting teams and caregivers that are reading, I would encourage patience and incremental adoption.
Lets take a look at a few healthy changes that can be had.
Prioritize: Socialization
Whether a date night, game night with the guys, or an outing with the girls, you do not stop having social needs simply because you’ve become a parent. Lumping family outings or activities into this need is also a no-go, specifically as: 1. When the family is present you will always be ‘on’. And 2: We alter our social roles and behavior when serving as the parent, as opposed to the friend.
Given this, it is unsurprising that research continues to demonstrate that quality time with friends, and/or our significant other-even if once a month, has substantial gains for our stress, outlook, and mental health. The quandary here being that parents may excuse this needed outlet in place of other responsibilities.
Prioritize: Health
Realistically, I have no doubt that anyone happening to read this article does not want anything but the best for themselves, their family, and their children. Simply put, none of us can do well for those we care for if we fail to care for ourselves.
Whether physical or mental health, you deserve to be free of pain, or, at least with assistance, that lessens the sting. Most communities have agencies and organizations able to provide care across all incomes, and even government affiliations such as The Departments of Children and Families hold connections to supports for parents in need.
Therapeutic chats such as 988lifeline.org or vacrisisline.net for those service affiliated, can also be a windfall to take the edge off, night or day. The point being that there are options out there, it’s simply up to you to choose.
Prioritize: Communication
Actively talk to those in your corner, as none of them can read your mind. This is not to suggest allowing concerns to build to that of a diatribe, or, finding ourselves suddenly trauma dumping on our best friend, but rather, communicating our needs of support to those who can realistically help us.
Whether that help is an extended deadline with our employer, a tag-in to Nana for some impromptu babysitting, or informing your bestie that you really need to get out for a bit of fun, its important that you make those needs known.
Final Thoughts
A reoccurring theme across this article is the notion of uncertainty. Uncertainty-while at times distressing, whether relative to our careers, our marriages, our health, or our children, is par for the course in this voyage that we call life.
We cannot determine the storms we will encounter, the changes of the course that may need to be made, or even where exactly we’ll land. All we can do is act, and trust in those who make up our crew, and hopefully, keep the sails full until the sun once again comes up on the horizon.
Biography
Drew Palacio is a Doctor of Clinical Psychology, a professor of undergraduate and graduate psychology, and an award-winning children’s book author with 20-years of experience working with children and families in mental health.
