“Do you see!? H-He doesn’t listen!” The words pierced with a subtle hopelessness and a more rancorous indignation. The eyes of the mother whitening, widening, and increasingly bloodshot as her composure seemed to drum unsteadily towards a crescendo poised to send her exploding from out her chair. Sleepless nights, unsettled by sporadic runaway, physical violence, and outright disrespect had once again brought the mother and twelve-year-old to my office door.
The boy, Sean, was a tumultuous gale of eruptive energy, and stood with his back turned as he made a game of using a small rubber ball he had stowed in his pocket to wage war on the Knick knacks and baubles that sporadically adorned my bookshelf and walls. I controlled the wince, focusing on mother, and ignoring the destructive pang as they fell.
Mother, while still focused on me, caught the boy’s action from out her periphery. Her posture stooped, bowing slightly, her fingers griping and tightly kneading at her blue jeans, while the exasperated woman transitioned to deeper shades of red. Her lips wavered, then broke.
“Can you PLEASE stop that!? #@!*#*& stop that!” She roared, side-eying the boy from where she sat! A moments silence overtook the room. The ball, discarded. The command, half-heard, as Sean, no longer interested in his game of shot put, proceeded to draw a small pen knife from out his pocket, and promptly carved into my wall…
Why Language Matters
Most of us, when considering language with young people, may often default to reminding ourselves to censor the use of expletives, so as to ensure not to drop that f-bomb, or to refrain from content in passive conversation that is not age appropriate for younger ears.
All of the above are both applaudable and wise decisions.
However, what if I was to suggest that the way in which you employ language is equally as important as the content you wish to share!? And, more surprisingly, will play a role as to whether you hold your child’s attention, are met with refusal, or told no!?
The Importance of Form
Parent-Child interactions have long been the subject of curiosity by both researchers and clinicians, of varying, though interrelated fields, the realms of psychiatry, human development, and psychology being such examples.
However, while emphasis clearly exists on the content shared in these interactions, an impetuous has been equally, if not surpassing to the importance of language when it comes to the structure of the verbiage, and how it’s shared.
This has been exceedingly important on the subject of non-compliance, the technical term for when our children appear disrespectful, disregard our instructions, and misbehave.
Remarkably, the linguistic tact between parent and child is so important, that alterations of it may either improve or worsen your child’s compliance.
Let’s take a moment to look at some common language approaches with youngsters, which often create more harm than good.
Gaffes of the Gab
The following are a few approaches to promoting obedience, which, while certainly coming from the right place, are doomed to leave you as the parent (and possibly the child) in frustration.
Chaining
You’re exhausted, baffled, and you’re at your wits end. A pot on the stove is boiling over. Somewhere, another child is crying, and as you attempt to redirect your other lovable whirlwind, you lose your cool and begin to blubber into a tirade in hopes they’ll hear you, and they’ll stop.
Chaining is any language that is rapidly spoken, overly verbose, over-aggressively toned, or otherwise to sophisticated to be caught by a child’s grasp.
In essence, it’s too many words with too few breaks, with your grand lecture or wise judgement ultimately being lost in translation.
Vagueness
It seemed simple enough. You couldn’t have made it any easier? But perhaps therein lies the problem!?
“Be respectful!” “ Put it over there.” “Make it look nice.” “Stop that!”
These are all utterances, parents, educators, and caregivers (myself included), have at some point, found in our vocabulary, and proudly shared at the first sight of disobedience, or, if we found ourselves progressively driven up a wall.
Where chaining focuses on the abstruse, Vagueness, as the word implies, suggests too little detail or specifics for a task to the child to be apprehended.
In my experience, what remains a common result is that either the child simply refuses, as to not having all the pieces of the puzzle, or, in the case of the beginning anecdote, making the transition of substituting something bad for something worse.
Beginning with the Word ‘Lets’
You’ve developed a master plan-in essence a good plan, one to which will not only , if not hopefully, remedy some of your parenting woes. Better still, it’s a sure-fire way to instill a little bit of responsibility. Your eyes widen, with a lone eyeball twitching as you attempt to breathe while briefly surveying the maelstrom of nerf guns, figurines, screens, and clothing, haphazardly littered about the room.
You turn to the apple of your eye and remark softly:
“Lets go pick up your toys.”
Together, you walk towards ground zero, a collection of playthings and spent snack wrappers littered at your feet. Suddenly, pride overwhelms, and you begin to beam with a booming smile as noting that not only has your child followed, but they’ve listened!? The delicate hand making their way to the toy box with their beloved race car, only to slow, turn about face, and stop…
The momentum lost, their stare pierces with both suggestion and unknowing. What has happened, you ask? Well, you’ve unknowingly signed a contract, and, in sight that you’re unwillingly to fulfill your end of the bargain-in this case, you picking up your fair share of toys, the contract is now forfeit, with your youngster no longer playing the part.
In short, unless you are willing to spend the time and energy to mutually assist with the task, go ahead and omit ‘Let’s’ from any given prompts.
Prompting Behavior with a Question
Similar to use of the word ‘Lets’, using a question to prompt behavior seems like a gentle enough approach, but much to the latter, also houses a significant drawback.
Phrases, such as: “Do you mind if…” “Can you please…” “Is it alright if…” “Do you want to…” “Do you think you could…” simultaneously drip with politeness-a behavior we wish to encourage, affirm our own conscientiousness, and are phonetically appeasing slipping off the tongue.
However, what you’ve now done is delivered the permission and opportunity of refusal directly into your child’s hands. Can you pick up your toys? I absolutely can @#*!&^# not! Which is a dramatic, hyperbolic example, but I am guessing by now that you’re seeing the point.
Tactfulness of the Tongues
How then-begging the question, do we do we retool or refine our communication, so both as to avoid pitfalls and ensure our sagacious parenting wisdoms are not left unsaid? For starters, do your best to omit the above trips of the tongue, any active practice will overtime, pay off. However, additionally, follow these simple steps.
Be Direct
Or, in other words, be intentional with our prompts and cues. We’re going to be in close proximity to our children when we do so, we’re going to make eye contact if we can. We may even stoop or kneel to be at their level. All of these will garner and draw your child’s attention.
Be Reasonable
If the tensions are high, the emotions are flowing, or we’re discovering that our ire is creeping a bit far too quickly to our tongues, that’s usually a good indicator that we need to pause, recuse, or amid a loving partner, quickly tag out. This is due to the fact if our stance is imposing, our tone harsh or condemning, or heaven forbid we lose control, then even the most perfect structure and execution of that message won’t matter because all our child will be in that moment is afraid.
Be Simple & Specific
“Put the cup in the sink.” “Turn off the television.” “Throw your dirty clothes in the hamper.” These are all examples of helpful, one-step commands. There’s a singular task, a specific action word, or verb, and all impart an immediate action. The more straightforward and specified your requests are, the more easily they are to be followed.
Be Patient
Once you’ve given a prompt to your youngster, pause, allowing between 5-15 seconds for your child to digest the words you’ve said. After this, in the event your kiddo is still mulling things over, go ahead, and solicit the prompt again.
Final Thoughts
There is not a reader out there who will look upon these words and find the instructive elements, akin to rocket science, or that of their delivery (sadly) as Shakespearian. However, self-description aside, what I hope I’ve done, and aim to do, is to remind, that in this world of increasing screens, and misinformation, that how we talk to one another matters. Perhaps now, then ever before, and especially when it comes to our adolescents, and early aged children.
Biography
Drew Palacio is a Doctor of Clinical Psychology, a professor of undergraduate and graduate psychology, and an award-winning children’s book author with 20-years of experience working with children and families in mental health.
