I tried to kill myself. Multiple times.
6 years ago I tried to kill myself. More than once. For some reason I survived. I didn’t understand why it didn’t work and why I was still alive and had to suffer on this earth with everything I was going through.
6 years ago I would pick these things up (I guess they are called Dandelions) and just wish to be dead. Or wish that my dad would become sober and wouldn’t touch me anymore. Or wish that someone would save me from that awful house. Wish that I could hear “I love you” from someone. Anyone.
A year after that this man came into my life. Dalton saved me and gave me my first place to call home. And I would still pick these Dandelions up every time I saw them and wish on them and blow them into the wind. I wished I could just overcome the overwhelming anxiety and depression that I had from my past so I could be the perfect wife that he deserved.
And eventually I learned how to overcome it all with his help. He literally loved me until I learned how to love myself again. That man deserves the world for saving me and showing me that this life is worth living.
And then, over the 5 years that we have been together, I would pick these up and I would wish for a beautiful little baby so we could start our own family and do things the right way. I wished to be a mom so bad and to give a child the perfect childhood that I always wanted. We wanted to have a baby and a family of our own so bad and to give all our love to a child.
Now 5 years later, look at this picture. This picture was actually taken by accident but I have learned over those years that everything happens for a reason. Everything. We may not see the reasoning right then but eventually we will. This time I really couldn’t think of anything that I needed to wish for and I was just so grateful for that. That brought tears to my eyes just remembering all the things that I had gone through and the hundreds of those things that I had blown away into the wind.
If I would have given up 5 years ago, I wouldn’t have this beautiful, perfect, crazy little 1 year old girl who was pulling her dress off behind the fence because she likes to be free and didn’t want her picture taken. I wouldn’t have the beautiful house that we just bought together. I wouldn’t have the amazing, loving family that I do. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to share my story and to help other people who struggle with the things I did and hopefully one day help save someone else’s life or at least make it a little better.
I’m posting this to say that it does get better. If you are struggling right now just remember that there is a reason for it. There will be a lesson you learn from it. Maybe it will teach you to always, always be humble and kind to other people like it did me. Because you never really know what battles someone is fighting inside and what they are wishing for when they see these.
Just remember that it will get better. It always does.
I have been through so much more than I wanted to share personally but I feel like I am meant to share my stories so I can help other people. I just know that I’m meant to be helping people in this world in some way. If this gives at least one person hope then I will feel like I accomplished something by posting it.
But I feel like I am meant to. This picture wasn’t just taken by accident. Maybe someone out there needs to see this. Feel free to share it. I hope there is someone out there that I can help. No one should go through life’s struggles alone. Suicide is never the answer and should never be a thought in anyone’s mind.
Just know that you aren’t alone, ever. Don’t ever give up. This life is worth living and experiencing and you will love it. Make sure you are here to see it.
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January 19, 2018
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