This Trusted Parenting Network Article brought to you by
Soberlink
A Shared Commitment to Child Safety, Accountability, and Prevention
About Soberlink
Soberlink’s comprehensive system offers an innovative solution for alcohol monitoring, combining technology and convenience to support individuals in their journey toward accountability and trust rebuilding.
American SPCC is proud to partner with Soberlink to expand evidence-informed resources that support child safety, accountability, and healthier family environments.
If you are worried about your partner or your co-parent’s drinking, please consider starting here: struggling with alcohol does not necessarily make someone a bad parent. Plenty of loving, deeply involved parents live with alcohol use disorder. But a drinking problem does not resolve on its own, and taking it seriously is one of the most protective things a family can do for the children in it.
We spoke with Ashley Gerken, PsyD, a trauma-informed clinician and clinical supervisor at 12 South Recovery, about what parents notice and where to turn.
The hardest place to stand is not knowing
Suspecting that a parent has an alcohol problem is its own kind of exhausting. You may find yourself replaying conversations, wondering if you are overreacting, and thinking about if saying it out loud will start a fight. Plenty of parents stay in that holding pattern for years because of the fear and uncertainty.
Remember, though, you are probably not the only one who has noticed.
“Even though children might not realize an addiction issue, they indeed recognize the problems associated with it, such as unpredictable behavior or inconsistency in their actions.”
Unfortunately, children rarely have language for it. They might just still feel the inconsistency, and not realize they are being affected by it.
Alcohol use disorder is a medical condition, not a moral failing
The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism defines alcohol use disorder, or AUD, as a medical condition marked by an impaired ability to control drinking despite negative consequences. It ranges from mild to severe, roughly 60 percent of the risk is heritable, and it responds to evidence-based treatment.
Understanding this can help change the conversation you have been mentally preparing for. You are not confronting someone over a string of bad choices. You are naming a health condition that has treatment.
Gerken draws the line this way:
“The difference between regular drinking and problem drinking usually lies in the impact that the substance has on the person’s life. In the moment alcohol becomes a necessity to manage emotions, maintain control, and keep responsibilities, it starts being considered part of the drinking problem.”
Signs that are worth paying attention to
Gerken says a few patterns repeat: drinking to handle stress, attempts to quit that do not hold, and irritability when anyone raises the subject. At home, that can look like:
- Alcohol as the primary tool for stress, anxiety, or a hard day
- Promises to cut back that keep quietly expiring
- Defensiveness or subject-changing when drinking comes up
- Missed pickups or plans with the kids that shift around mood
- A household that reads the room before deciding how the evening will go
For the clearest single signal, Gerken points to consequences that have already arrived:
“One of the biggest signs can be seen when drinking is already causing issues, from work-related problems to family ones, and the person continues to be involved.”
If you are seeing signs, here is where to start
- Lead with concern, not accusation. “This is a very sensitive topic, and usually it carries a sense of shame to the person involved,” Gerken says. “It’s important not to accuse the person but to approach the conversation with concern instead.”
- Bring specific observations, not character judgments. Gerken suggests factual detail, such as noting that consumption has roughly doubled in the past month. Facts are harder to argue with than adjectives.
- Talk to a professional, partly for your own sake. A clinician “can be a great starting point to better understand the signs and magnitude of the disorder,” Gerken says, and this is “quite difficult for family members as well.”
- Keep the goal in view. “The main objective is to make the person feel supported and encourage her or him to accept professional support,” Gerken says. Not to win the conversation.
SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 is free, confidential, and available 24 hours a day in English and Spanish. You do not have to be the person drinking to call it.
Where objective information helps
Suspicion is hard to act on and just as hard to let go of. Remote alcohol monitoring can help with both sides at the same time. Soberlink, for example, is a device that pairs a professional-grade breathalyzer with facial recognition and tamper detection, and sends verified, scheduled test results to whoever the family agrees should see them.
“When facts are there, everything is easier to navigate, as everyone involved can see the same information. For co-parents and family members, this can be a source to reduce anxiety and increase confidence.”
The part families miss is that it works both directions. If there is no problem, the results say so, and suspicion stops running the household. If there is, the same tool becomes a record of progress, or as Gerken puts it, “a good way to show the rest of the family their progress and provide unassailable data demonstrating reliability over time.”
That holds whether parents are still together or co-parenting across two homes. Together, it replaces constantly questioning with something quieter. Apart, it gives both households the same information at the same time.
Gerken is clear about the limit:
“These tools are not a replacement for treatment. But it’s a source of data that can provide families with important insights.”
You’re not alone
A great many families are somewhere on this path right now, most of them quietly. The isolation is often harder than the drinking. Finding support, addressing signs early, while the conversation is still about concern rather than crisis, gives a parent the best chance at treatment that works and children the best chance at a home that feels predictable.
You are allowed to be worried. You are allowed to ask for help before you are certain.
Learn how Soberlink works and see whether objective, verified accountability could help your family move forward.
Explore how Soberlink Protects Child Safety
