Keeping Kids Out of the Middle:
A Co-Parenting Guide for High-Conflict Situations
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Soberlink
A Shared Commitment to Child Safety, Accountability, and Prevention
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Parents who are separating or divorcing have more influence over their children’s wellbeing than they often realize, even in the middle of the most difficult custody situations. The choices made during this period, how conflict is handled, how children are spoken to, how stress gets managed, shape kids’ futures in ways that research is now measuring with striking clarity.
Dr. Don Gordon, a clinical psychologist and executive director of the Center for Divorce Education, has spent four decades helping divorcing parents do right by their kids. That experience has given him a clear-eyed view of what hurts children most and what actually helps.
The Hidden Harm of Putting Kids in the Middle
Most parents don’t set out to harm their children during a divorce. Unfortunately, many do without realizing it. Dr. Gordon calls this “triangulation” and his research shows it’s one of the most damaging things that can happen to a child during a family separation.
The ways this happens are often subtle: asking your child to deliver messages, complaining about money in front of them, quizzing them about what goes on at the other parent’s house. Parents rarely see themselves doing these things. As Dr. Gordon explains, his research found that “when we ask the children how often this happens, they said, this happens all the time. When you ask the parents, the parents say, we almost never do this.”
For children, being caught in the middle is agonizing. They feel like they cannot please one parent without betraying the other. Research from Dr. Gordon’s program shows that conflict between parents can take up to 72 hours for the stress hormone cortisol to fully clear a child’s system. That is three days of physiological impact from a single argument.
What Parental Conflict Does to the Developing Brain
The effects of chronic conflict are not just emotional. When children live under sustained stress, their bodies release hormones that can alter how their brains develop, affecting memory, learning, and emotional regulation well into adulthood.
Dr. Gordon points to something many co-parents overlook: even after a difficult handoff or phone call, parents carry that stress into the next moment with their child. He reflects on this from his own experience, noting that after a tense exchange at pickup, “I would still be distressed because of that conflict. I was completely unaware of how he was feeling.” The child registers the tension even when nothing is said directly.
Stress management, then, is not just self-care for co-parents. It is child protection. Dr. Gordon suggests concrete tools such as mindful breathing to interrupt the fight-or-flight response, a “stop, look, and listen” technique for pausing before reacting, and self-talk strategies for navigating charged exchanges. “We encourage parents to know that they have a better nature,” he says. “They have a place in their minds and hearts where kindness and compassion resides.”
When Alcohol Enters the Picture
When one parent’s drinking is a concern, co-parenting conflict tends to intensify and children are often caught squarely in the crossfire. Dr. Gordon explains how stress and alcohol become linked early in life: “A lot of people learn this as children when they see their parents being stressed and the parents go to the refrigerator and open up a beer or make a drink. They learn that this is what you do when you’re stressed. Kids are very susceptible to learning from what their parents are doing.”
The custody context makes this dynamic especially fraught. When one parent suspects the other of drinking, the instinct is often to gather information, and children become the most available source. Dr. Gordon describes how damaging this is: “When the parent is quizzing the kids about the other parent’s sobriety, that puts the kid in the middle.” The child faces an impossible choice. Tell the truth and feel like they are getting a parent in trouble. Stay silent and carry the guilt of covering it up.
This is the problem Soberlink was built to solve.
How Soberlink Removes Kids from the Equation
Soberlink is a portable, remote alcohol monitoring system designed for custody and family law settings. It is built around accountability rather than punishment. Parents test regularly, and results are sent in real time to designated parties, including attorneys, family members, or the court, without requiring anyone to ask the child a single question.
Dr. Gordon describes the shift this creates: “When the monitoring is done automatically, then the parent doesn’t need to ask those questions. They’re having a much more reliable source of information about the other parent’s substance use than their child.” The relief is real, both for children who no longer carry that burden and for parents who want to demonstrate their sobriety without it becoming a recurring source of conflict.
Soberlink’s facial recognition technology ensures that tests are verified as legitimate, so parents cannot send someone else in their place. This precision matters in legal settings, where accuracy shapes custody agreements and court orders.
For a parent in recovery, the tool can serve another purpose entirely. When a child already knows a parent is working toward sobriety, using Soberlink openly can build trust. It gives the child something concrete to hold onto rather than a lingering question. What struck Dr. Gordon most was recognizing how directly the tool addresses the triangulation problem his research identified decades ago: “It made me more appreciative for what Soberlink can do with keeping the kids out of the middle.”
Practical Steps for Co-Parents, Starting Now
Whatever your custody situation looks like, these steps are grounded in Dr. Gordon’s research and the Center for Divorce Education’s work with hundreds of thousands of parents.
Never use children as messengers. Text or email the other parent directly. Even when communication feels impossible, children should never be the go-between.
Watch what you do not say. Sighs, eye rolls, and loaded silences communicate just as clearly as words. Kids notice everything.
Pause before you react. The “stop, look, and listen” technique gives parents a moment to engage their thinking brain rather than their fear response. The pause matters more than it seems.
Decompress before engaging with your child. After a tense exchange with your co-parent, give yourself time to settle. Children need you regulated, not just physically present.
Use the right tools when alcohol is a concern. Structured monitoring through Soberlink removes ambiguity, reduces accusation, and keeps children from being placed in the middle.
Seek education, not just information. The Center for Divorce Education’s online programs teach skills, not just facts. Parents who learn to communicate and regulate under stress are far more effective than those who simply know they should.
The Goal Is the Same for Every Parent
Research is clear that it is not the separation itself that does the most damage to children. It is the ongoing conflict, the triangulation, the instability that follows. Parents who commit to keeping their children out of the middle, even when it is hard, are giving their kids something real and lasting.
Dr. Gordon puts it simply: “You should set a good example, use those skills, because you’re setting a good example for your children regardless of what the other co-parent does.”
Children are watching. They learn from what they see. The best thing a parent can do right now, even imperfectly, is to choose differently.
About Dr. Don Gordon
Dr. Don Gordon is a clinical psychologist and executive director of the Center for Divorce Education. With 40 years of experience helping divorcing parents protect their children through evidence-based co-parenting programs, he is the creator of the Children in Between and High Conflict Solutions online programs, which have been used by more than 400,000 parents nationwide.
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