Is My Child Safe?
A Psychotherapist Explains How to Recognize Unsuitable Living Conditions
This Trusted Parenting Network Article brought to you by
Soberlink
A Shared Commitment to Child Safety, Accountability, and Prevention
About Soberlink
Soberlink’s comprehensive system offers an innovative solution for alcohol monitoring, combining technology and convenience to support individuals in their journey toward accountability and trust rebuilding.
American SPCC is proud to partner with Soberlink to expand evidence-informed resources that support child safety, accountability, and healthier family environments.
As a parent, knowing your child is safe and settled is everything. So when something feels off about where your child is spending time, even if you can’t quite put your finger on what it is, that unease can be incredibly difficult to sit with. A shift in your child’s behavior, a feeling they can’t put into words, a sense that something has changed: these things matter, and they deserve to be taken seriously.
The question many parents wrestle with is this: Is my child actually in danger, or am I overreacting?
To help families find that answer, we spoke with Claire Law, a BACP Accredited Counsellor, psychotherapist, and legal contributor at Custody X Change. With nearly 20 years of experience supporting children, young people, and families, Claire offers a clear clinical framework for understanding what “unsuitable living conditions” really means and what parents can do about it.
Children Don’t Always Tell You. Their Behavior Does.
One of the most important things for parents to understand is that children rarely come out and say they feel unsafe at home. The signals are more subtle and more behavioral than that.
“Children do not tend to discuss an unsafe home in a neat or direct way,” Claire explains. “Instead, the unsafe home environment tends to show up in the child’s life in a dysregulated way.”
She describes this as a kind of whole-body communication. A child living in an unsafe or unstable environment may become overly watchful, anxious, withdrawn, excessively compliant, or prone to emotional outbursts. These aren’t just phases or personality quirks, they are a child’s nervous system trying to cope with something it cannot process.
“The most telling thing, from a clinical perspective,” says Claire, “is when I notice an inconsistency in the child’s life, including the child’s ability to feel safe in their body and in the world, which is often disrupted.”
If your child seems like a different person after visits, harder to settle, more on edge, or disconnected, that inconsistency is worth paying attention to.
“Unsuitable” Doesn’t Mean Perfect. It Means Unpredictable.
Not every imperfect home is an unsafe one. Financial hardship, a messy house, or a parent going through a hard time doesn’t automatically put a child at risk. Claire is careful to draw a meaningful distinction here.
“Home life can still be relatively consistent and safe despite being imperfect,” she says. “However, when care is unpredictable, and the child cannot anticipate what they are going to get at home, then we are at risk of a problem.”
The key word is predictability. Children thrive on knowing what to expect, and when a home environment is erratic or when a parent’s mood, availability, or reliability shifts without warning, it creates a chronic undercurrent of stress that a child’s developing brain is simply not equipped to manage.
This is especially true when alcohol is involved. Even use that doesn’t look dramatic on the surface can quietly undermine a child’s sense of safety. “Even moderate use can influence parenting and the emotional stability of the parent,” Claire notes.
The Hidden Damage of Alcohol in the Home
In custody disputes, parental alcohol use is one of the most commonly raised concerns and also one of the most misunderstood. Many people assume that if a parent isn’t visibly intoxicated or out of control, the drinking isn’t really a problem. Claire’s clinical experience, backed by public health research, tells a different story.
“The problem is often less about dramatic instances and more about the chronic unpredictability that results,” she says. “Children are extremely attuned to changes in mood, tone, and reliability, and often adapt to an unpredictable environment before adults are even aware of the impact.”
Children don’t need to witness a crisis to be harmed by one. They absorb the tension in the room, notice when a parent is “off,” and learn to read the emotional weather of their home with a sensitivity that most adults don’t fully appreciate. Over time, they adjust their own behavior to survive it. As Claire points out, “public health research on adverse childhood experiences demonstrates that an environment that undermines safety, stability, and bonding can have a significant impact on a child’s well-being.”
Accountability That Protects Children
When alcohol use is a concern in a co-parenting situation, one tool that can bring meaningful clarity is Soberlink, an alcohol monitoring system used by families and courts alike to provide real-time, verified sobriety data.
Claire sees real value in tools like this, with an important caveat: “Soberlink can help if parents are utilizing the system as a tool for accountability and reassurance, rather than a replacement for other important work.”
In high-conflict co-parenting situations, where accusations and counter-accusations can become exhausting for everyone, especially children, Soberlink removes the guesswork. “It can help to eliminate confusion and conflict regarding alcohol use and help to establish a clear structure for parenting time,” says Claire.
One of the most significant and often overlooked benefits of Soberlink is what it does for predictability. In homes where a parent’s drinking has been a concern, children often live in a state of quiet vigilance, scanning for signs that something is wrong. When Soberlink is written into a co-parenting agreement, that burden is lifted. Nobody has to ask. Nobody has to wonder. The child is never put in the position of being a witness to, or a reporter of, what’s happening in the other home.
Because Soberlink operates on a scheduled testing system, it also makes something else possible that rarely exists without it: a clear plan. Parents can agree in advance on what happens if multiple tests come back positive or missed. For example, some agreements include a provision that if there is a positive result during parenting time, the other parent takes the child for that period. The specifics will look different for every family, and this is not legal advice, but the principle is the same, there is a structure in place before a situation arises, rather than chaos after it. Without Soberlink written into the agreement, there is no plan. There is only conflict.
Over time, the data Soberlink collects also serves another critical function: it can reveal patterns. A single incident can be explained away. A documented pattern of positive tests, missed testing windows, or schedule violations is something a family court takes seriously, and it is the kind of evidence that can demonstrate, clearly and objectively, that a living situation has become unsuitable for a child.
Crucially, the results Soberlink produces are trustworthy because the system is built to prevent manipulation. Advanced facial recognition technology verifies the identity of the person being tested at the time of each test, and tamper detection sensors flag any attempts to interfere with the device. These features matter because the value of any monitoring system depends entirely on the integrity of its results.
It’s also worth understanding how Soberlink is structured within a co-parenting context. The system requires a designated “Concerned Party,” typically the co-parent, who is enrolled in the agreement, receives test alerts and reports, and signs off on any changes such as schedules and who receives the results. This is a deliberate and important design choice: the parent being monitored does not have sole control over the process. Transparency runs in both directions, and the co-parent is kept fully informed at every stage. When children see structure, consistency, and accountability in the adults around them, it directly contributes to their sense of safety, and that is ultimately what this is all about.
What to Do If You’re Worried, And What Not to Do
If you suspect that your child’s other home may not be safe, the instinct to act immediately is understandable. But how you respond in those early moments matters enormously, both for your child and for any future legal process.
Claire’s advice is to move “from fear to observation.” Start by keeping a calm, factual record of behavioral changes you’ve noticed, routines that have been skipped, and things your child has said or done, documenting without editorializing.
What parents should not do is equally important. “Parents should avoid making the child an investigator, messenger, or proof,” Claire says firmly. Asking a child leading questions, pressuring them to disclose information, or positioning them as a witness in an adult conflict does real harm and can also compromise the integrity of any formal investigation that may follow. “Parents should avoid retaliatory communication, accusations, and forcing children to disclose information.”
If there is an immediate child protection concern, Claire is clear: act through the appropriate professional channels without delay. In all other situations, she recommends seeking guidance from a therapist or family law professional before escalating.
There Is Real Reason for Hope
Working with families in these difficult circumstances, Claire has seen what’s possible when conditions change, and it can be remarkable.
“Children are very responsive to change,” she says, “and when the world becomes a more ordered place, the child can exhibit dramatic change in their state of being, which is what gives me hope.”
That kind of transformation doesn’t happen overnight, and it isn’t the result of any single intervention. In Claire’s experience, lasting change tends to come from a combination of clear boundaries, reduced exposure to adult conflict, appropriate therapeutic support, and where relevant, appropriate monitoring. “Safe home is about the rebuilding of trust,” she reflects, “which occurs over time.”
For parents navigating these situations, that is perhaps the most important thing to hold onto: children are resilient, and with the right conditions, they recover. The goal isn’t a perfect home. It’s a predictable, safe, and loving one.
Explore how Soberlink Protects Child Safety
