He had crumpled himself into a ball. Knees raised to the chin with one small hand clutching the lower rail of a chair with such tenacity he was almost admirable in his defiance. Mother leaned in eagerly to remove him. Lines and splotches of color creating patchwork of embarrassment along an already desperate brow. The reddening quickly hastening as the lads kick punished against her chin. “I-I don’t appreciate when you do that…” She murmured, with complexion paling, only for another boot to lay heavy into her arm. Suffice to say, the lad , nor mother, did not continue with that day’s appointment.
To address behaviors that challenge exhibited by early aged children and adolescents often presents as, and may often be, one of the most nuanced competencies both parents and educators must eventually encounter.
Some, I have come to observe, may begin by viewing this reality as ‘unnecessary’, and, that by some form shared parent-child omniscience, children should simply ‘know better.’ To this, the mindset of these parents who hope their children will ‘get it together’ without guidance is usually short lived.
Others, facing such moral injury by that of their child’s perceived trespasses, find themselves in such a state of emotional reactivity, that any tact or competency that may have been fruitful, is eroded by their roar.
Still others move in a completely opposite direction, often attempting to bargain, or reason, with youngsters with increasing passivity. This approach is coincidently doubled edged. As it fails to account for if and when the child’s stage of development does not lend to concrete reasoning, as well as may reinforce the likelihood of non-compliance amid rewards tethered to bargaining and barter.
One approach, however, known to practitioners of parent management training, special education, and applied behavioral analysis, provides opportunities for both the development of caregiver competency and competence, as well as serving to correct and curb problematic behavior.
Known as the Three-Point Reprimand, this approach homogenizes verbal directive and non-verbal messaging in a united front. Together, let’s parcel out this technique that has gained traction (and results) across the many years.
The Verbal Component
To begin, all elements that comprise this, or any other parental intervention, are equally important. Unsurprisingly, predominant findings as to ‘why’ parenting interventions fail remain tethered to execution and user error. Thus, we begin by detailing both what to say, and how to say it.
Word Choice
As mentioned in previous articles, language is unique in the direction and molding of child behavior. Our child’s brain is not our own and requires our patience and specificity when giving commands. Especially in the event our child experiences a form of severe emotional disturbance or is not neuro-typical.
Language and word choice will best benefit if the messaging is Short: In this case fewer words getting directly to the point. Simple: Ensure your messaging is at your child’s grade level, and, if you are unsure, play it safe and draw out the easiest terms you can muster. And Specific: Do everything in your power to lessen the chance of vagueness and ambiguity.
Verbal Tone
Here, the emotional tone you carry with your words should be Active (We’re not tip-toeing), Adamant (We’ve drawn our line in the sand), and Assertive (We mean business).
However, we also want to be mindful and ensure that we’re not trending towards the path of Aggression, which in this case may present as our tone being increasingly lost in emotionality, often by way of shouting or yelling, or, alternatively, if and when we deviate from the structure of this intervention, and find ourselves in a stage of arguments, or making threats. Either of which will quickly erode any parental leverage as well as exacerbate the situation.
Composition
This is the meat and potatoes of the verbal component. What follows is the correct prescription and structure of our reprimand that we must all design.
What to Stop
Our first step involves tactful and definite messaging concisely explaining ‘what’ behavior we would like our child to cease at once. The balance here is providing an accurate level of detail in reflection of our child’s behavior, while at the same time being mindful of brevity and including only what is necessary.
Why to Stop
Here, our second step provides us with a brief opportunity to help attune our child’s moral compass. In this way, providing a window as to the potential consequences of their current action, or, to communicate how this action does not align with our families, virtues, values, or beliefs. As before, however, we still are required to remain focused on word choice and language tone.
What to Do Instead
Lastly, our third and final step takes the form of the corrective counter. Verbally steering our children to that of a more pro-active and pro-social substitutive behavior. This step is often missed, or forgotten, but remains crucial. As it is entirely possible for our children to substitute one noxious behavior for another.
With verbal components aside, let’s continue with our secondary, though equally important element, the role of non-verbal messaging.
The Non-Verbal Component
To continue, the verbal and non-verbal ingredients of our approach should be weighed with equal measure. The reason here being that failure to do so will send an incomplete and inconsistent message. This, in turn, may not only serve to confound and confuse children, but may also generally increase non-compliance, as well as anxiety. Now, lets further discuss bodily cues, and position.
Proximity
The three-point reprimand is a tool to be used when you are in the immediate vicinity of your child. Not to be employed when parent and child are in opposite rooms, separated by floors, etc.
Non-Verbal cues, by design, hold weight, and telegraph both intention and emotion. Distance, and separation, by contrast, scramble and disrupt this message. In short, be close enough to your child to where your presence can command and keep attention.
Eye Contact
Eyes are windows to the soul, providing at times vital information that words themselves may not express. As such, holding and maintaining eye contact with your child is necessarily with this delivery, as it plays a part in communicating your disapproval.
Further, ensure that you do not preoccupy yourself with the reality of if-and-when your child breaks eye contact. There will be a small level of anxiety experienced by children on being reprimanded, with a breakage in eye contact at times being a sign.
Bodily & Facial Cues
Lastly, our facial cues and bodily stance, even if momentary, need to communicate a disapproving message.
Crossed arms, heads nodding in disapproval, and frowns married with a furrowed brow are all more than enough to suffice. These are-when coupled with our verbal constituents, assertive gestures, but are not aggressive in their display.
Now at last we’ve put all the pieces together. With this in mind, let’s review a few tips on application before we close.
The Practical Component
The following are a few brief reminders to assist in this technique coming together, though it is important to remind that no two children are alike and no two children will react to interventions with the same response. Trust the method, trust your partners, and, in the end, trust what feels right for you.
Practice
Unsurprisingly, any amount of practice by the parent or parenting team with this technique will set the caregiver up for a higher degree of success. It is not uncommon for professionals who offer this instruction to families to promote active roleplay and practice, long before the intervention is employed in real time.
Choose One Behavior to Start
Overall, the Three-Point Reprimand does serve as a form of mild punishment.
In this way, to utilize it for every minor and major trespass, or mistake, enacted by our children, would not only create a household far too aversive. Further, this would additionally ensure that the weight of the technique would lose effect.
With this in mind, choosing one behavior to correct with this fashion is a reasonable start.
Be Consistent & Communicate
If there exists more than one caregiver in the household, communication is a must.
Begin by identifying the behavior of concern, what it looks like, while also not only discussing, but practicing the ‘how’ by which you’ll use this technique to intervene.
Additionally, be mindful to ensure that you’re following through, not only with the structural application of the technique, but moreover, in applying it as the times arise.
Final Thoughts
The Three-Point Reprimand can be, and remains a powerful tool to caregivers, parenting teams and practitioners alike. However, this tool is not a standalone, with parental efforts always coupling the technique with positive praise.
Guidance, after all, is both honesty in confronting others of their short-falls, as well as celebrating where they succeed.
Biography
Drew Palacio is a Doctor of Clinical Psychology, a professor of undergraduate and graduate psychology, and an award-winning children’s book author with 20-years of experience working with children and families in mental health.
