5 Things You Can Do Now to Build Healthy Communication Habits with Your Teen

When we think about trust and communication, oftentimes we focus on how that applies to relationships with adult peers and overlook its importance in building strong and healthy connections with our kids. Many of us grew up in families where the norm was, “Do as I say, not as I do,” or where children were to “be seen and not heard.” If we want our teens to open up and communicate with us, we have to create spaces in our home that 1) allow them the opportunity to authentically express themselves and 2) be receptive to what they are saying.

Jeri-Ashley

The Mindfulness Co., LLC

Here are 5 things you can do NOW to build healthy communication habits with your teen:

1. Listen more, talk less.

This one is deceivingly simple. It’s easy to think that we’re always listening to them when most of what we are doing is hearing them. It’s likely that what they’re saying is going in one ear and out the other as you multitask in order to meet the needs of everyone in the home. When we truly listen, we actively work to understand what they are saying. This can look / sound like:

  • Mirroring their facial expressions as they share about their long day at school
  • Affirm what they’re experiencing with phrases such as, “That must be rough” or “I’m so sorry you’re having to go through that right now.”
  • Asking a reflective question, “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think you’ll do next?”
  • Repeat back what they said by saying, “Let me see if I understood this correctly…” You can close it out with, “Did I get that right?”

Oftentimes, our children are looking for a compassionate ear; for someone to truly listen and validate that what they’re going through is rough.

Jeri-Ashley

The Mindfulness Co., LLC

Jeri-Ashley is a mama to multiples (baby, toddler, pre-teen, oh my!), mindfulness & parenting coach, business owner, full-time educator, and community advocate. She holds her B.A. in Sociology from St. Mary’s University and an M.S. in Education from Johns Hopkins University. Jeri-Ashley has worked with school-aged children, parents, and educators for over 10 years, focusing on providing each with the tools to be more mindful in creating strong, healthy relationships, while also maximizing each individual’s strengths. She is passionate about building community and empowering others to be more intentional in their everyday interactions with themselves and others through her business, The Mindfulness Co., LLC.

2. Work with your teen to identify feelings and needs.

One of the biggest challenges parents of tweens and teens face is navigating the depths of intense emotions that they may not have witnessed their child experience before. The biggest place I typically see this when working with families is in their communication. Parents are flustered because they deem their teen’s tone as rude or disrespectful, not realizing that communicating feelings and needs is a skill that needs to be learned and modeled consistently.

The struggle is, many of us grew up in homes where certain emotions weren’t allowed. They may have been frowned upon and seen as “negative behavior,” making it a challenge to express what was truly going on for us. In turn, it can make it extremely challenging to teach your teen how to identify their feelings and needs because you may not be sure of that yourself–it took me some time to learn that skill myself.

One of the best ways you can do this is to empower your teen with the language they need to express what they’re feeling and the need that is tied to it. One of my favorite sentence stems to use is: I’m feeling ___________ because I was needing / hoping for / desired / really value ___________________.

As you think about how you’d like to support your child with this, make sure that it’s something you have practiced yourself. This will ensure that you are comfortable walking them through what the experience for you has been like and how it has supported you as the parent / caregiver in better communicating with others.

You can click here to access a FREE template from The Mindfulness Co. to support you in embedding this practice within your family.

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3. Open yourself up for feedback from your kids.

When was the last time you asked your child what they liked about you and your relationship? Or what you could be doing better as a parent? Our kids are constantly getting feedback from the world. They get graded on their school work, their peers share their opinions nonstop, social media screams at them what the “standard” is for beauty and so many other things. Then they come home and they get feedback (or sometimes even criticism) from us. When have you opened yourself up to be on the receiving end?

Before you try this one out, make sure that you are both in a place where you are regulated and open to the conversation. Consider having them write their responses in a letter if they’re more comfortable with that to begin with. Here are some prompts you can use to get started?

  • What is your favorite memory of us from this past year?
  • What do you enjoy most in our relationship?
  • What do you wish I did more of as a parent?
  • What do you wish I did less of as a parent?
  • What is something you’d like for us to do together?

You can click here to access a FREE guide with additional reflection questions from The Mindfulness Co.

4. Allow your child to disagree with you, say no, and advocate for themselves.

One of the most common concerns I hear from parents of teens is that their child is rude or disrespectful, which causes concern for how their child will show up in “the real world.” A valid concern as your child nears the time of graduating high school and potentially moving out–you want to make sure that they’re well-equipped when they go off on their own. Consider this instead: when your child leaves your home, they will be put in countless situations where they will need to advocate for themselves. They’ll need to say no with confidence and have a sense of security in their bodies when they say it. This means they’ll need to have practiced multiple times with someone they feel they can trust and disagree with.

When you feel ready, let them know that you’re open to them disagreeing with you and have a discussion about what that looks like and sounds like. Here are some things to consider when having the conversation:

  • How do you want to be spoken to during a disagreement? How does your child want to be spoken to?
  • If your child notices you are getting too heated, what can they say? (This is another great place for them to advocate.)
  • If you notice that your child is getting heated, what do they think would be helpful for you to say to them?
  • What can happen during a disagreement when one person sees the other person’s tone as rude or disrespectful? How does that impact the conversation?

Here are some addition things to think through as the adult in the situation:

  • Are you modeling the tone you expect your child to have when you speak to them?
  • Are you truly hearing them and taking in what they’re saying, or are you just listening to say that you were?
  • If you notice that the conversation is getting too emotional on your end, what will you say and do so that you can revisit in a moment of calm?
  • If you notice that the conversation is getting too emotional on your child’s end, what will you say to your child so that they are open to revisiting the conversation later? (Keep in mind, the language that you use and the implications it may have.)

5. Model what healthy communication looks like and sounds like.

I was talking with a tweenage family member recently and they brought up a situation where their mom was frustrated because they said they had an attitude. They went on to share that as they shared their perspective with their mom, she rolled her eyes and scoffed at almost everything they said. To no fault of this young family member, it’s likely that they’ve picked up some communication habits from their mom; and to no fault of their mother, she hadn’t realized that her child was mimicking the communication practices that had been modeled by her.

The question is, what now? In order to effectively model what healthy communication looks like and sounds like, you have to identify the “what.” Use the guiding questions below as a starting point to help you visualize what this looks like for your home:

  • When I’m talking to someone, I want them to…(ex: look me in the eyes, repeat back what I say, acknowledge me, etc.)
  • When someone is speaking to me, I try my best to…(ex: look them in the eyes, ask clarifying questions, empathize, etc.)
  • How do I respond when someone does a kind gesture for me?
  • How do I want others to respond to me after I’ve done a kind gesture?
  • When communicating with others, it really frustrates me when…(ex: they roll their eyes, they dismiss what I say, repeat themselves, ask me to repeat myself, etc.)
  • As I consider my responses to the questions above, what do I already do that matches what I want/don’t want when communicating with others?
  • As I consider my responses to the questions above, what do I need to do more of that matches what I want/don’t want when communicating with others?

As you think about what next steps you want to take, focus on ONE thing at a time. Make a commitment to getting really good at it, and then try adding in something new. To help you take that first step, use the implementation intention below and tag @TheMindfulnessCoTX on Instagram to share yours!

When I ________________________________, then I will ____________________________.

Example: When I start to talk over my teen, then I will write down my questions/thoughts and remind myself to listen more.

Jeri-Ashley

The Mindfulness Co., LLC

Jeri-Ashley is a mama to multiples (baby, toddler, pre-teen, oh my!), mindfulness & parenting coach, business owner, full-time educator, and community advocate. She holds her B.A. in Sociology from St. Mary’s University and an M.S. in Education from Johns Hopkins University. Jeri-Ashley has worked with school-aged children, parents, and educators for over 10 years, focusing on providing each with the tools to be more mindful in creating strong, healthy relationships, while also maximizing each individual’s strengths. She is passionate about building community and empowering others to be more intentional in their everyday interactions with themselves and others through her business, The Mindfulness Co., LLC.

 

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