My name is Randy Boyd and I am a 53 year old survivor of childhood sexual, emotional, verbal, physical and spiritual abuse. This is the first of three sections to my story.
My earliest memory of the emotional abuse is at age five when I was in the garden with my mother. I went out to help her, and for reasons I still don’t understand today, she turned to me and screamed, “What do you want, you stupid little …..” I saw the anger and hate in her eyes and remember how bad I felt — the shame I felt. From the time I can remember, my mother continuously stuffed soap down my mouth. I remember how scared I was of her when she would get upset with me. To this day I do not understand how a mother can abuse a child no matter how full of anger and hate they are.
My parents divorced when I was 10. I still remember the day. My mother, brother and I returned home from a trip to visit relatives while my father stayed at home to work. I remember how excited I was to get home to see my father, only to have him not at home. I remember running around the house looking for him with excitement. When I asked my mother where he was, she told me he was not home. When I asked when he was coming home, she said he wasn’t coming home. I remember how confused I was. I did not understand why he was not coming home and no one explained it to my brother and me. My mother never communicated her feelings, and more importantly, never let me express my feelings. To this day, I feel I have not really dealt with the trauma of that day.
Even though no one ever explained to us what was going on, my father did come and get us every other weekend. I remember spending a lot of time with him between the ages of 10 & 12.
When I was 12, my father passed away. He was 32 years old and cancer had taken him. Again, I was only told that my dad was very sick, I was never told that he was going to die, just that he was sick and trying to get better. So, as you can see by the age of 12, I had experienced two huge abandonment issues, and I had learned that secrets and lying were okay.
My mother began dating other men. The man who was to eventually become my stepfather was a man named Jack. Jack was a divorced man with three children of his own; however Jack always treated us as his own. Jack was fun to be around and showed us more material affection than emotional affection. What Jack did was earn my trust.
So here I am, a vulnerable 12- year-old boy, my father has just died, I am hurting, I need a father’s love and a father figure in my life. What a great opportunity for a perpetrator to make his move. That is exactly what Jack did: he preyed on a wounded and broken child. The sexual abuse started as petting and fondling and having me masturbate him. “Don’t tell anyone, this is our little secret,” he cautioned. Cool, I felt special, I had a secret pal. Remember, I was 12 years old and needed a father’s love and this is what he was showing me and telling me he was giving me.
Once he had me go get a neighbor kid and have him come in my room while he hid in the closet. He wanted me and the neighbor boy to perform sexual acts so he could watch from the closet. I remember getting the neighbor in the bedroom and becoming confused. I turned to the closet and asked Jack what I should do. I still remember how mad Jack was that I gave him away, and the shame I felt after he got done yelling at me. I was so confused.
Please if you have been abused in any way, please have the courage to speak up; you are not alone. As hard as it might be for you to do, I promise you it will be the best thing you can do for you! Know that I, as well as a group of other men, am here for you to walk this healing path with. Whether you are an adult male, adolescent or teen male, it is never too late or too early to begin your healing journey.
Please tune in to the second section of my story posted in two weeks on the American SPCC website.