3 Simple & Effective Ways to Break the Cycle of Spanking
Let’s be real: there’s no simple way to change any pattern we have, especially if it’s one we’ve been using for a long time. This includes spanking our children. We may have learned it from our parents; and them, from their parents. It’s not new, and it can be deeply ingrained in our parenting. It may feel very “familiar.”
But what research in recent years has shown us is that spanking can have serious negative effects on a child’s health and well-being, similar to physical abuse of all kinds.
By Sarah R. Moore
Founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting & Trusted Parenting Network Member
This has left many parents and caregivers with a desire to break the cycle of spanking. This requires taking steps every single day to form new and more positive habits. Healing habits.
Before you feel overwhelmed, though, know that these steps can be tiny changes. Doable ones. Ones that you can try incrementally, even if you’re not sure you want to give up spanking forever yet.
Getting started with new, healthier habits
If physical punishment has historically been a part of your parenting, the most effective way to stop the cycle is to interrupt it before it happens. Some people call this “practicing the pause.”
Practicing the pause means we work to respond rather than react to our triggers. When we respond, we realize that 1) nothing is “making” us use physical punishment with our children, and therefore, 2) we can choose how we want to handle any situation that comes up.
What does this look like day-to-day? In short, we need self-regulation tools. That’s just a fancy way to say we can find ways to calm ourselves down in the moment, or find a healthy way to express our stress or anger without harming others.
Sarah R. Moore
Founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting
Sarah R. Moore is the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and author of Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior. She’s a public speaker, armchair neuroscientist, and most importantly, a Mama. She’s a lifelong learner with training in child development, trauma recovery, interpersonal neurobiology, and improv comedy. As a certified Master Trainer in conscious parenting, she helps bring JOY, EASE, and CONNECTION back to families around the globe. Based in Colorado, Sarah and her family spend much of their time worldschooling. She speaks French and eats Italian food like a pro!) Her heart’s desire is to bring greater peace and healing to the world through loving and respectful parenting. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, & Twitter.
Specifically, it might look like this. When you’re triggered. you can:
- WALK AWAY
Put your child in a safe place (ideally, with another safe and responsible caregiver) and go do a calming activity for a short while, making sure to tell your child when you’re coming back so they don’t feel abandoned. - USE MINDFULNESS PRACTICES
Try prayer or meditation. According to research by the University of Minnesota, prayer promotes “the relaxation response,” which “lowers blood pressure and other factors heightened by stress.” It also “releases control to something greater than oneself, which can reduce the stress of needing to be in charge.”1
Similarly, meditation can help lower your blood pressure and anxiety, and bring near-immediate relief.2 - GO OUTSIDE
Going into nature. Going outside is proven to lower blood pressure, among other health benefits.3 You can even bring your child with you, if it’s feasible, as nature benefits people of all ages.
Once you’ve mastered any (or all) of these three approaches — or others that might work effectively for you — you’ll need to know what to do instead of physical punishment.
New habits take time
The goal, of course, is to give up spanking forever. “Forever” can feel like a long time, though, so focus just on this moment. This hour. This day. Once you start stringing those longer stretches together, you’ll find that you’re relying more on new, healthier parenting tools than you were previously, and that spanking is becoming less of your go-to.
Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself grace as you’re learning and practicing. Celebrate small successes (in fact, when you intentionally celebrate your success, it triggers the reward mechanisms in your brain to tell you to keep being gentle–it’s a win/win). Every so often, re-evaluate your communication and discipline strategies if they don’t seem to be working for you or your child.
And remember, what matters is that you’re practicing. With every step you take away from spanking, you’re taking a step toward a stronger and healthier connection with your child.
References & Sources
- https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/prayer#:~:text=Healing%20presence%20%2D%20prayer%20can%20bring,associated%20with%20healing%20and%20wellness
- https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/meditation/in-depth/meditation/art-20045858#:~:text=Meditation%20can%20wipe%20away%20the,whenever%20you%20need%20it%20most.&text=If%20stress%20has%20you%20anxious,and%20worried%2C%20consider%20trying%20meditation
- https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/07/180706102842.htm
Sarah R. Moore
Founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting
Sarah R. Moore is the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and author of Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior. She’s a public speaker, armchair neuroscientist, and most importantly, a Mama. She’s a lifelong learner with training in child development, trauma recovery, interpersonal neurobiology, and improv comedy. As a certified Master Trainer in conscious parenting, she helps bring JOY, EASE, and CONNECTION back to families around the globe. Based in Colorado, Sarah and her family spend much of their time worldschooling. She speaks French and eats Italian food like a pro!) Her heart’s desire is to bring greater peace and healing to the world through loving and respectful parenting. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, & Twitter.
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